User Profile

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ME: plastickiwi, your humble friend
SHE: Mrs. plastickiwi, non-goon, wife of plastickiwi

SHE: You're not very romantic.
ME : Am I in trouble?
SHE: Why would you ask that?
ME : I dunno. Just sounds like it.
SHE: You think you're in trouble because I asked you a question?
ME : That's usually how it starts, yes.
SHE: Give an example.
ME : "Do I look fat in these pants?"
SHE: [laughs] You'd be in trouble if you gave the wrong answer to that one!
ME : There is no right answer to that one.
SHE: Either I look fat in the pants, or I don't. It's that thingy.
ME : "Thingy"?
SHE: You said it the other night. That philosophy thingy.
ME : Urk.
SHE: Don't say "urk." You know what I mean.
ME : The Law of Excluded Middle?
SHE: Yeah, that. You're either fat or you're not.
ME : Well...
SHE: Don't say "well." Just don't.
ME : OK. You look fat in those pants, or you don't.
SHE: Right.
ME : ...but you won't accept my answer in good faith.
SHE: Either I am or I'm not.
ME : Right, but if I say you're not, you think I'm lying.
SHE: You are. I look fat in those pants.
ME : ...but if I say you do look fat, your feelings will be hurt.
SHE: Never mind that. You're trying to change the subject.
ME : I'd hoped you hadn't noticed.
SHE: This is about the way you treat me.
ME : OK.
SHE: OK.
ME : OK.
SHE: Don't just say "OK."
ME : What am I supposed to say?
SHE: [triumphantly] Yes! That's it! That's the problem in a nutshell!
ME : ...that I don't know what to say?
SHE: Right!
ME : OK.
SHE: What did I just ask you not to do?
ME : I don't know what to say. Honestly.
SHE: You need to work on that.
ME : Knowing what to say?
SHE: Among other things.
ME : Make a list, please.
SHE: You're not romantic. You don't say the things to me that a woman wants to hear.
ME : Oh, OK, we're back to that.
SHE: We were never off that.
ME : I understand. I thought my not knowing what to say was limited to this conversation.
SHE: It's not.
ME : I know that now.
SHE: So are you all caught up?
ME : Yes. You're mad at me because I don't say romantic things.
SHE: I'm not mad at you. I just want you to do the right things.
ME : ...so this is about more than just saying stuff?
SHE: Yeah.
ME : [pauses] Care to supply details?
SHE: You see? You don't even know! You don't even realize this is a problem!
ME : Apparently not.
SHE: There's a whole lot you could be doing, you know.
ME : [pauses]...to be more romantic?
SHE: Yes! What did you think I meant, flood relief?
ME : I was just making sure.
SHE: Making sure of what? Do I usually change the subject in the middle of a conversation?
ME : I often perceive you to be doing so, yes. That may be error on my part.
SHE: Don't pretend to take the blame for something you think I do.
ME : Drat! You've seen through my evil scheme!
SHE: [throws TV remote] I'm serious!
ME : [catches remote] I know!
SHE: So are you going to do it?
ME : Do what?
SHE: Be more romantic!
ME : I didn't know I wasn't being sufficiently romantic.
SHE: I just told you!
ME : I know! This is the first I'm hearing about it!
SHE: You should have known without being told.
ME : How does that work, exactly?
SHE: You should value me enough to perceive my needs and meet them without being asked.
ME : I try to do that.
SHE: I know, Honey, but you need to do more.
ME : Such as?
SHE: [sighs] If I have to tell you, it won't mean anything.
ME : If you don't tell me, how will I know?
SHE: You should just know.
ME : ...but I don't.
SHE: No. You don't.
ME : OK, so we've established that.
SHE: I'm not trying to be funny.
ME : Neither am I.
SHE: I'm serious about this.
ME : So am I. I want you to be happy.
SHE: I know that. I never said you didn't.
ME : ...and since I want you to be happy, I want to do the things that will make you happy.
SHE: Good.
ME : ...once I know what they are.
SHE: [sighs] Never mind.
ME : Oh, no. No. You can't bring something like this up, sigh, and say "Never mind." What is it that you think I should be doing?
SHE: Just little things. I don't want to talk about it.
ME : You have a funny way of showing it.
SHE: You're a jerk.
ME : So I'm discovering. So, what kind of little things?
SHE: If I have to tell you, it doesn't mean anything.
ME : I'm supposed to just know?
SHE: Right.
ME : ...and if I don't?
SHE: You're supposed to.
ME : Yeah, but I'm "supposed" to pay state sales tax on Internet purchases.
SHE: This is hardly the same thing.
ME : No, but it's the best analogy I could come up with quickly.
SHE: How about you drop the analogies?
ME : OK. Now...
SHE: Look, it's not about giving you a list of things to do. That's not it.
ME : OK, so what is?
SHE: [sighs] It's your willingness to do those things without being asked.
ME : Those things that I don't know what they are?
SHE: You're supposed to know. That's the point.
ME : How was I supposed to learn?
SHE: That's not important.
ME : It is on this end of the conversation.
SHE: You're supposed to just *know*.
ME : OK. I don't. I'm supposed to, but I don't. How do I learn if you won't tell me?
SHE: If you're truly romantic, the right things will just occur to you.
ME : ...and if I'm not, they won't?
SHE: Right.
ME : Jesus.
SHE: What?
ME : My wife's a relationship Calvinist.
SHE: You're a doofus.
ME : No, apparently I'm just not among the romantic elect.
SHE: Wait...
ME : [standing] Sinners in the hands of an angry St. Valentine! Only the true romantics will be saved!
SHE: [rolleyes] Stupid.
ME : The road to hell is paved with gift certificates and boxes of stale chocolate!
SHE: Stupid.
ME : Say it with flowers, friends! Every kiss begins with Kay!
SHE: [pulls Me down] You're ridiculous.
ME : I'm baffled.
SHE: There's nothing hard about what I'm saying.
ME : "You're not romantic. I won't tell you what you need to do to be romantic."
SHE: That's not what I'm saying.
ME : Will the court stenographer read back the transcript?
SHE: That's not what I'm saying.
ME : OK. What are you saying?
SHE: I just want you to show me you love me.
ME : That's not implied when I kiss you and say, "I love you"?
SHE: Yes, but there needs to be more.
ME : More, like what?
SHE: Well, like flowers, and backrubs, and little notes and stuff.
ME : I bought you flowers for your birthday last month, and I...
SHE: More. More often.
ME : How often?
SHE: I can't give you a schedule. Just whenever it occurs to you.
ME : It occurs to me at the schedule we're already on.
SHE: I want it to occur to you more frequently.
ME : How...
SHE: Don't say "How frequently?" Just don't.
ME : So, are you requesting a change in my behavior, or my character?
SHE: Both.
ME : Both?
SHE: The one will give rise to the other.
ME : Which one gives rise to which?
SHE: Either way.
ME : You think doing romantic things will make me more romantic?
SHE: Yes. What you do becomes who you are.
ME : So if I act romantic, I will become romantic?
SHE: Yes.
ME : So, even if I don't feel romantic, I can act like it, and that's a step in the right direction?
SHE: Well...
ME : Answer the question as asked, please.
SHE: Yes. All right.
ME : So, even if the gesture doesn't come from inside me, just doing it will make me more romantic?
SHE: Yeah.
ME : So, wouldn't it be logical for you to make me a list of the things I should do?
SHE: That wouldn't be romantic.
ME : No, but doing the things on the list would, by your own admission, make me more romantic over time.
SHE: But...
ME : So, you should make me a list of what you want me to do, and I'll do it.
SHE: But...
ME : Logic triumphs. Relationship saved.
SHE: You're a fucking doofus.
ME : ...but you love me, right?
SHE: Yes. God help me.
ME : He looks after doofuses, I hear.

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